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Why
Don't They Just Leave?
Learned
Helplessness
The
theory of learned helplessness states that helplessness and
depression will develop in the victim in response to their
loss of ability to predict what actions will produce a particular
outcome. The victim learns to choose only those actions that
will probably be successful in diminishing the abuse and they
use these behaviors over and over rather than trying a new
behavior, for which the response will be unknown to them.
They become “survival-focused” as opposed to “escape-focused”.
Surviving within the relationship becomes their focus, and
they may still appear confident, independent, etc. to outsiders,
but all the while the abuser becomes more powerful in their
eyes. They view others as less able to help them and they
feel trapped and alone. They become depressed, fearful, helpless,
and dependent. As time goes on they view escape as impossible.
Lenore
Walker, creator of the Cycle of Abuse, believes that “if
a woman is to escape such a relationship, she must overcome
the tendency to learned helplessness survival techniques,
becoming angry rather than depressed and self-blaming; active
rather than passive; and more realistic about the likelihood
of the relationship continuing on its aversive course rather
than improving. She must learn to use escape skills compatible
to the survival behaviors already adopted.”
According
to the US Dept. of Justice the dynamics of relationship abuse
are similar to techniques used to control or brainwash prisoners
of war. “These techniques induce dependency, dread, and
debility…the victim tends to become immobilized by the
belief that they are trapped, cannot escape. This heightening
of fear, helplessness, dependency, and dread are all intertwined
in the definition and dynamics of abuse.”
Traumatic
Bonding Theory
This
theory explains the dynamics of domestic violence and explains
why victims stay with their abuser or return to the relationship.
It states that “strong emotional connections develop
between the victim and the perpetrator during the abusive
relationship. These emotional ties develop due to the imbalance
of power between the batterer and the victim and because the
treatment is intermittently good and bad. In terms of the
power imbalance, as the abuser gains more power, the abused..feels
worse about himself/herself and is less able to protect themselves
and is less competent. The abused person therefore becomes
increasingly dependent on the abuser. The second key factor
in traumatic bonding is the intermittent and unpredictable
abuse…the abuse is offset by an increase in positive
behaviors such as attention, gifts, and promises. The abused
individual also feels relief that the abuse has ended. Thus,
there is intermittent reinforcement for the behavior, which
is difficult to extinguish and serves instead to strengthen
the bond between abuser and the individual being abused.”
Approach
and Avoidance Theory
The mix
of pros and cons present in the abusive relationship “leads
to ambivalence on the part of the victim. The victim is likely
to want to approach the positives in the relationship but
avoid the abuse. This struggle between wanting to keep the
relationship and wanting to remain safe makes it difficult
to decide whether to leave or stay.” On average, victims
tend to leave and return about 7 times before leaving permanently.
The
number one reason why victims do not leave is that they FEAR
for their lives.
The psychological
effects on the victim are devastating. They are truly brainwashed
through mind control and maniplation. They are made to believe
that everything is their fault; they feel worthless; they
believe they are not a good person; and they feel no one else
will ever be interested in them. They have difficulty knowing
who to trust due to the isolation created by the abuser. The
abuser continually puts down the victim’s family and
friends and tells the victim that their family and friends
do not care about the victim. The abuser tells them that they
are the only one who really cares about them. Gradually the
victim becomes very angry, usually not recognizing the abuse
as the source of their anger and they displace that anger
on their family and friends. They become extremely confused
and do not know who to trust. Together with the fear instilled
in them by the abuser (by breaking their possessions, battering
them, threatening them, calling them the worst names) they
become psychologically destroyed.
Given all of the above, along with guilt, feelings of failure,
embarrassment, humiliation, lack of support, and lack of resources,
should we even ask the question “Why don’t they
just leave?
www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/assist/nvaa99/chap8.htm
US Dept of Justice
www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/specific/fs_domestic_violence.html
US Dept of Veterans Affairs
Download Why Don’t
They Just Leave? Handout (Word Document)
Used with permission of the
Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund
PO Box 1748
North Kingstown, RI 02852
www.labmf.org
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